Lucky Lotus

You know, it's really weird, the relationships I have with some people. I can remember very clearly how back a few years ago I would have practically jumped at the chance to stick with just about any guy who showed the least little bit of interest in me, but nowadays, I find myself sometimes truly swamped with the unwanted affections of one or two guys here at AB-Tech...And I know that statement sounds awful in just about every way imaginable. I should at least try to be remotely friendly with that one particular guy who seems to like me so much, especially. I know that I should at least try to give him a chance. I've known him for the last seven years, anyway. But the fact that he's always trying to sit next to me in our Success & Study Skills class, as well was the way he's constantly trailing after me like a little lost child somehow makes me despise greatly his very existance. I just don't know what's wrong with him! And, on occassion, he even goes as far as to be rather defensive, agressive and mean about it all, as if it's just going to kill him one of these days, if he doesn't get me.

Well, he's definitely not going to get me. I certainly have no problem with seeing to that. I've always seriously hated guys like Sam. (And now, with my luck, he'll somehow find what I've written about him here and become dangerously offended. It's no laughing matter.)

I don't have any descent friends these days. I mean, I've luckily been able to make a few of what I'd call mere acquaintances with a handful of wonderful like-minded men and women this semester, but most of them are several years older than me. A couple of them are actually old enough to be considered my mom or dad, if given a chance. But now that I think about it, I guess it's really entirely possible that one or two of these people might indeed think of me in the same sense that I best relate to my current stalker. My AB-Tech acquaintences are all exceptionally talented, in one way or another, and of course nice, but they're also distant and quiet towards me in a manner that I'm totally not used to. (Not that I've ever been the center of anyone's attention in the past, mind you.)

I suppose that even though I'm legally an adult now, and whatnot, I'm still young enough to be subconciously searching for a role model of some kind, or a good and knowledgeable parental figure, if nothing else. At college I feel like I'm surrounded by many different individuals who could help me out in this sense. It's sometimes terrifyingly weird that even as I'm considered a young woman by all common standards of society, I find myself still very much prompted to locate a guru who can help me out in the areas I need resolved the most. I believe I mentioned before that I used to think that I was already as enlightened as I was ever going to be, and that this living shell was going to be my last incarnation. But I've only begun to do yoga, and I've only begun to seriously pay attention to karma. It makes me recall that old Romanian saying that I like: "God will gladly supply you the milk, but you alone have to bring the pail to carry it in." Were there ever any truer words than that, now? And does anyone reading this post actually understand? Am I going to have to explain the passage entirely?

Yesterday evening, I spent a couple of minutes intently drawing a lucky lotus on the back of my right hand to calm all of my main aggressions down. The lotus turned out surprisingly good, but of course, I kind of cheated and kept on glancing at a picture of another lucky lotus in a jewelry catalogue to do it. Maybe cheating made the magic in the good luck charm somewhat less, but I think I got the point of my prayer across to whatever absolute power that happens to exist in this tiny universe.

I mean, don't we all need a little luck in our lives?